May a drunken peasant drive a cartload of potatoes up your scabby nostrilsand may each potato take root and grow till your skull bursts into morepieces than there are anti-Semites in the Ukraine. Ed: (Ed points to the nearest exit and hands Clarnac the first envelop and says) Envelop number 1. The Question Describe the sound made when a sheep explodes., McMahon would always announce near the end, I hold in my hand thelastenvelope, at which the audience would applaud wildly, prompting Carnac to pronounce a comedic curse on the audience, such as May a flock of wild geese leave a deposit on your breakfast!, May your sister elope with a camel!, May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister, or the most famous: May the bird of paradise fly up your nose!. NO ONE [at this shout, Carnac always acts startled] knows the contents of these envelopes but you, in your mystical and borderline divine way, will ascertain the answers having never before heard the questions. Q: What does an alligator get on welfare? Ed: Often times, thats exactly what Clarnac gets. . [+5] - jespah - 11/15/2011 Answer: Guns 'n Roses Question: Name two things OmSig brings with him to a first date. Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's Description. The Question: Where did Jen Psaki go when she resigned as Obidens Press Secretary? In the end, Eve not only gets a rib she gets everythingleaving Adam leafless and alone! Q: Name one guy who's rich after April 15th. The character was introduced in 1964. jar since noon today on Funk and Wagnell's porch. Is that a reptile? The Question: What words of encouragement can you give to a person with a kidney stone? Carnac the Magnificent: [Opening envelope] What's the first thing you do when you hold up a liquor store? Q: What do you need after Hamburger Helper? I hope it makes you laugh. Q: Name a Fudd, a Mudd and a dud. QUESTION: What does the president of Nestea use when his Although he retired in 1992 and died in 2005, the consensus remains that Johnny Carson was the greatest late night-talk show ever. A: Shareholder. Previous. (You should die young enough for her to walk there under her own steam.). Get Image May your prize bull hate cows. Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong. A: Revenge of the Pink Panther. Necessity dictates the insertion of an appropriate disclamatory proclamation into this section of this missive, both for assuredness of legality, and to satisfy my lust for bombast. I have been collecting records, CDs and DVDs. The crowd is hostile. Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be? The Question: What instructions do you get when your proctologist used to be a photographer? Q: Who old do you have to be to date Princess Margaret? A: Timbuktoo. Q: What are the only things that can move on Sundays? After Carnac said an answer, McMahon would frequently repeat it in a booming voice ostensibly as a help to the audience setting up a sneer, putdown, or some other comic reaction from Carson. [1] 36 relations: Billboard (magazine), Billet reading, Bob Arbogast, CNN, Columbia University Press, CRC Press, Curse, Divination, Ed McMahon, Ernie Kovacs, . ANSWER: Blazing Saddles. The Answer: A condor, a bald eagle and a snail darter. The Answer: I didnt think I had enough gas. Funny story written by Dr. Billingsgate. The Phantom of the Opera, The Lion King, and Donald Trumps mouth. Houses of Prayer and Study, however, are with us always. these envelopes, CARNAC: May the swami of Bagdad squat on your fez. CARNAC: May an unclean yak have an accident on your toupee. Carnac: May the nurse in your hospital room bring you a frozen bedpan. ANSWER: Dustin Hoffman. A Bronze Age civilization on the island of Crete and other islands in the Aegean Sea, the Minoan civilization flourished between 2600 and 1100 BC. sister's hope chest. dickory? Carson Emmy Awards, The 1975. The Question: Name five things Dolly Partin has. The Question: Name three things that always tell the truth. Carnac held each envelope to his forehead while "divining" the answer, then tore open the end of the envelope and loudly blew into it before removing the index card with the question. Oh, I forgot! He dubbed it the "Carnac Saver" and said in a 2009 interview, "I'll go to my grave having to apologize for having invented the Carnac Saver. Q: What noise do sheep make when they laugh? The Question: Name three forms of identification when applying for welfare. may your mother stop receiving her child support checks fromthe pittsburgh steelers front four. In 1987, Myrtle Young came on The Tonight Show to show off her rare collection of potato chips. girlfriend. It is entirely fictitious. Q: How do you say "Good morning" to your diddly Carnac the Magnificent was a recurring comedic role played by Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. CARNAC: May a weird holy man use a Black and Decker tool on Q: Name two movies and a suppository. The Question: Whats a great name for a proctologist? A: Bible belt. Q: What will you get if you ignore a trucker's blockade? , The Question: Who is the biggest conservative in the Republican Party? Q: Where does the line go outside an unemployment office? A: Peter Pan. "[7] Songwriter Neal Merritt used the Carnac Saver as his primary inspiration for a song with a similar insult as a title, "May the Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose," a hit for Little Jimmy Dickens. Q: Name a focal that goes both ways. (Original post) Gladys Knight and the Pips. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. juice? Q: What do you use to fry a peter? Q: If voters have their way, what message will Jimmy Carter A: Double trouble. Feel free to laugh, but beware! If a joke bombed, Carnac went after the audience with all kinds of creative curses including, "May the Shah of Iran seek refuge under your sister's skirt!" . Carson as Carnac the Magnificent Carnac the Magnificent was a recurring comedic role played by Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. , The Question: Name a mule, a donkey, and a jackass. A: "Small craft warning!" Related Topics. Q: What do you call getting slapped around by a German king? A: The Loch Ness Monster. A: Pussy Willow. Carnac the Magnificent: Carnac the Magnificent was a recurring comedic role played by Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson.One of Carson's most well-known . Thanksgiving? Q: What is a drink made with soy sauce and prune juice? CARNAC: May a weird holy man drop a cactus down your Contents Function: _error_handler, Message: Invalid argument supplied for foreach(), File: /home/ah0ejbmyowku/public_html/application/views/user/popup_modal.php Click here to be a writer! This crowd is tougher than a camel pot roast. A: Tail of Two Cities. The curse concept was created by "Tonight Show" head writer and Woody Allen collaborator Marshall Brickman. A: A full moon If one of Carnacs jokes (often a very bad pun) generated a negative response, Carnac would give a disapproving look, then cast a comedic "Middle Eastern curse" upon the audience. Only this curse was not humorous at all. Tenor.com has been translated based on your browser's language setting. A: Last Tango in Paris. A: Chariots of the Gods. Clarnac: I hope it has instructions to get out of here. Unfortunately, as I age but my clients don't, more and more of them . A: Milk and honey. A: Sueeee, sueeee. Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman. Carnac the Magnificent: Three Dog Night & Mount Baldy on Johnny Carson's Tonight Show Johnny Carson 772K subscribers Subscribe 5.9K 1.1M views 11 years ago Watch Carson episodes every night on. QUESTION: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman. Unable to come to an agreement over alimony, God intervenes to help Adam and Eve divvy up their marital belongings. We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers. . Carnac The Magnificent Quotes May your Perrier water be secretly bottled in Tijuana. by BMcCJ. May a desert weirdo lower his figs into your mother's soup. A: Kaleidoscope. The reason for this is because when the Messiah comes the world will go back to its perfected state the way things were before the Primordial Sin so all the curses will have to be reverted and the world brought back to normal. Return to Carnac the Vote Devining Consultant Page ED: And now I hold in my hand the last envelope. A: Quarter Pounder. Of course, our good friend the Serpent is still crawling around on his belly just as he was cursed to do (see Genesis 3:14), and thats not going to change anytime soon. The Question: Name the only three people in the world making any money off going green. , Ed: I hold in my hand the last envelop. In fact, had Bilaam been successful in his attempt to curse us, the Jewish people would have been destroyed, G-d forbid. The entire studio erupts in hysterical laughter] eyes? Q. My question to you net.joke-sters out there: What is the funniest "ComedicCurse" you have heard? Ed McMahon was a huge part of the bit. Line: 478 A: Rat pack. A: WKRP In Cincinnati. Clarnac: May a diseased shih tzu hump your grandmothers good leg. Q: What does the Tidy Bowl man yell when he hears flushing? Scope and Content Script (Annotated "Ray") Box 4, Folder 44. Q: What will be written on the Happy Hooker's tombstone? And on this particular night, Carson performed his "Carnac the Magnificent" sketch. One was a bottle with a message in it that read, "Help! Question: Name a peanut, a doughnut and a gun nut. Q: What do crabs get high on? CARNAC: May your wife give mouth-to-mouth resusitation to One of Carson's most well-known characters, Carnac was a "mystic from the East" who could psychically "divine" unknown answers to unseen questions. Hand made. Show"? . stops. Margaret's door? Q: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H? May there be more than one of you to bear the mountain of misery and griefI wish upon you. . Men's Giant Turban Costume Accessory. May you fall in the outhouse just as a regiment of Ukrainians finishes aprune stew and twelve barrels of beer. These curses were always absurd, and many of them involved yaks, as in: "May an unclean yak sit on your dinner." "May a sick yak leave a gift in your sock drawer." "May a bloated yak change the temperature of your . Q: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants? Clarnac: If laughter is the best medicine, this crowd doesnt have a prescription. , The Question: What would a lot of people like to do to Lady Gaga? On Friday which would have been Carson's 95th birthday the National Comedy Center in Jamestown, N.Y., and the Elkhorn Valley Museum in Norfolk, Neb., will announce plans to preserve a trove of. Clarnac needs closed captioning (or that weird looking interpreter that Tate Reeves uses). The Question: Name 8 things that will soften your brain. A: Henry R. Block. (Crowd applauds) #10. A: Black feet. Q: What do you say when calling your quat? The Answer: Confused, weak, feeble, and uncertain. Food is produced in abundance with machines that allow just a few people to operate massive farms with ease. Q: Name the only three things you can afford to eat Carnac the Magnificent was one of the highlights of the Johnny Carson Show. -- Tim Thompson414 Morton HallOhio UniversityAthens, Ohio 45701{amc1,bgsuvax,cbdkc1,cbosgd,cuuxb,osu-eddie}!oucs!tim. May your mother-in-law not have to be carried to your funeral. A: Sissss, Boooom, Baaaaah! QUESTION: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch? The Answer: Liar, Liar, Pantsuit on Fire. A: Sir Lawrence Olivier, the Oscars and the oil shortage. After Carnac entered and stumbled, Ed would continue as follows: "I hold in my hand the envelopes. . Screenkey. In one instance, Carnac tripped and broke the desk! Dressed as Hamlet while reciting lines from the play, Carson continually broke character to promote new products. Q: What do cannibals find hard to digest? Lucky for us, every time that Bilaam tried to curse us, G-d stepped in and made blessings come out of his mouth instead of curses. The Question: What do you call a guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary? The Answer: Big Ben, Dak Prescott, and a politicians campaign promises. Q: What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches 1981 | TV-14 | CC. Q: How do you play piggyback with Telly Savales? As well, Eve was cursed that her husband should rule over her (see Genesis ibid), yet with the Womens Rights movement this has changed in a big way. doctors. While in the past it was very common for women to die in labor, it is now very rare in modern hospitals. Q: What do you get when you put Preperation H in your And even people who dont work at all need not starve, as food banks and charities abound, and governments provide welfare. Q: What do you get from eating in the NBC Commissary? Name, in reverse order, a droll comedian, the first name of a popcorn purveyor and a fat, self-absorbed, obnoxious loser!" . May the Shah of Iran seek refuge under your sister's skirt. Paul Rosenzweig, George Washington University law professor and former deputy assistant secretary for policy in the Department of Homeland Security, told Yahoo News via email it reminded him of Johnny Carson's "Carnac the Magnificent" sketch "where he knows the . A: Zippo Marx. Find Funny GIFs, Cute GIFs, Reaction GIFs and more. (the curse). So I created my own character, CLARNAC the Magnificent and created my own material as a tribute and for my own amusement. A: "The Front." , The Question: What do you call pedestrians trying to cross I-220? BILLINGSGATE POST: Johnny Carson was the very best. A: Planter's Punch. Zippo? Q: Name two words that have no meaning. A: 50 miles per hour. Carnac Unlimited Send a link or joke to a friend "I dream my stories," said the Author. Q: What do you call not getting busted? QUESTION: What does an alligator get on welfare? One of Carson's most well-known characters, Carnac was a "mystic from the East" who could psychically "divine" unknown answers to unseen questions. puppies and red-eye gravy. , The Question: Where do you go for a drive-through facelift? Q: Name a leak, a Greek and a freak. Carnac joke: He was holding up objects that supposedly had been fished out of the Hudson River. Today, that number is 1 in nearly 50,000 in many Western countries! There are more than 10 alternatives to Carnac for Mac, Windows, Linux and Xfce. Q: What do you call getting hit with a fistfull of peanuts. on a country? Good place to get some thinking done"-- Mr. Blore, the DJ who would not die {hplabs, seismo}!hao!udenva!showardor {boulder, cires, ucbvax!nbires, cisden}!udenva!showard, Somebody came up to me the other day and asked, "Hey, if I melt dry ice, can I go swimming without getting wet? A: Jaws 2 and Capricorn One. your only sister. A: 20,000 Leagues Beneath the Sea. May your platform shoes fail you in a camel pasture. JOHNNY CARSON'S MAGICAL BEGINNINGS. "Carnak: Do-whacka-doEd: Do-whacka-doCarnack: What do you look for when you're hunting do-whackas?Carnak: Dippity-doEd: Dippity-doCarnak: What collects on your dippity in the morning?A. A: "Oh God!" The Question: Name two people who always seem to be called to a place where they make a lot more money. A: Around the world in 80 days. Carson quickly revealed his personal bowl of potato chips hidden strategically behind the desk and Myrtles shock turned into uncomfortable laughter. Q: What does a president look for in a singles bar? Watch now: Free with ads. Discover and Share the best GIFs on Tenor. Q: Name two countries and a luncheon special at the NBC The "Carnac the Magnificent" segments were always good for laughs, from the moment "Carnac" entered the studio and walked off in the wrong direction, then corrected himself only to trip on the step at the edge of the set at the beginning of every segment. Q: What sign did Queen Elizabeth hang on Princess Q: What should the oil companies' new slogan be? Q: How do you get it? I'm being held prisoner on a God-forsaken island! If a joke (often a very bad pun) generated a negative response, Carnac would give a disapproving look, then cast a comedic "Middle Eastern curse" upon the audience (such as "May your favorite daughter be featured in NFL Films' Sack of the Week", "May a bloated yak change the temperature of your jacuzzi", "May you walk a mile under a diseased camel", "May a demented deer lock horns with your daughter's Kawasaki", "May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person seated next to me, and may his arms be too short to scratch", "May a diseased camel be sick on your prayer rug", or "May your proctologist be a frustrated concert trombonist"). A: The Sugarland Express. The crowd burst into laugher as the handler attempted to free The Tonight Show host from the animals grasp. Carnac the Magnificent was a recurring comedic role played by Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. Jackie Lynch 242 followers More information Box 4, Folder 48. Adam was cursed By the sweat of your brow shall you eat bread (see Genesis 3:19), yet today most people no longer must labor and sweat tirelessly just to eat. Clarnac: Get your mind out of the gutter. 5.0 out of 5 stars 2. A: Fists of fury and five fingers of death. Towering Inferno. A: The Newlywed Game. , The Question: Whats the only way to get your spouse to listen to you? Key'n'Stroke. Another ancient Biblical curse that seems to have reverted back to normal is Noahs curse of his son Ham that his descendants (who lived in Africa) shall be slaves to the descendants of Shem and Japheth (who lived in Europe and Asia) - see Genesis 9:25 as slavery in the modern area has been virtually abolished, and even racial discrimination has been greatly diminished thanks to the Civil Rights movement. Q: What do you get when something gets caught in your lets have a big round of applause for Clarnac the Magnificent. [1] As Carnac, Carson wore a large feathered turban and a cape. Get a random spoof news story. Q: Where do supermarkets store their meat? envelopes. nowadays. Well, as it turns out, Parshas Balak starts off with this wicked king named Balak trying to get this wicked mystic named Bilaam to cast a curse upon the Jewish people. The Question: Why do most married men die before their wives? Q: What price will gas be if it's under a dollar? May a desert weirdo lower his figs into your mother's soup. The Answer: An I-Phone, a cable bill, and a BMW lease. 40 Carnac The Magnificent Photos and Premium High Res Pictures - Getty Images Editorial Editorial FILTERS CREATIVE EDITORIAL VIDEO 40 Carnac The Magnificent Premium High Res Photos Browse 40 carnac the magnificent stock photos and images available, or start a new search to explore more stock photos and images. A: SAG Strike. A: Cheetah, Leon Spinks and the American taxpayer. Share. One of Carson's most well-known characters, Carnac was a "mystic from the East" who could psychically "divine" unknown answers to unseen questions. parents. A: The 11th Hour. I've often used Carnac in my work, pretending to be him, when confronted with the unknowable, the unanswerable, the irrational questions for which no reasonable responses are going to solve the problem. A: Deep freeze. Get Image May your only daughter take up with a yak of another faith. One of Carson's most well-known characters, Carnac was a "mystic from the East" who could psychically "divine" unknown answers to unseen questions. We have in the building tonight that great visitor from the East. #10. View all. The Answer: Dr. Ben Casey, Dr. James Kildaire, Dr. Doogie Howser, Dr. Marcus Welby, Granny Moses (Beverly Hills) and Dr. Anthony Fauci. Q: Who will they find sooner than Jimmy Hoffa? A: Lady-in-waiting. The Question: What do Democrats in the Mississippi House of Representatives wish they had? Q: What do you see in the next car at a drive-in movie? I forgot aboutyour total recall. McMahon's closing announcement "I hold in my hand the last envelope" was always met with a loud cheer, prompting one final "curse". The Carnac character and routine also closely resemble Ernie Kovacs Mr. Q: What do you call dressing up as a tree? May a camel with a weak kidney condition find your hope chest. Q: What does the Tidy Bowl man have when he sleeps? "carnac the magnificent" Memes & GIFs. A: Sex. A: Touch and Go. I note with amusement the "Fuck Your Feelings" crowd's epic hissy-fit stompy-foot meltdown over the fact that I referred to Trump's "Diaper Valet" in a tweet yesterday. The answer was always an outrageous pun. Q: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory Falling in Love Again (1980) with Susannah York, The Hollywood Knights (1980 . Q: What does President Carter say to Billy on Air Force ", "Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.". , The Question: What do you call a Methodist who is not afraid of water?
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